willow_aileen (willow_aileen) wrote,
willow_aileen
willow_aileen

Depression journal

I've decided I should record my experiences with depression so that when I do finally go to a doctor I have an accurate accounting of my symptoms and triggers. I have journals around, but I'm not sure where they are. So, I'm using this. I'm not sure if I will continue (quicker for me to type than write, can actually read my handwriting) or if I will switch to a paper journal (Won't have to decide if I'm going to keep it public or private or friends locked, won't have to print it to bring to the doctor, can carry it everywhere).

I've been feeling it coming for a few days. It's been cloudy the past...forever it seems. And every day when I saw the clouds in the morning, I would feel it coming just a little bit closer. Yesterday when I woke up it was like I was on a raft, and my depression was a huge shark that was circling my raft and bumping it once in a while to find a weak spot. I was exhausted as well. I was tempted to call into work, but doing so would put me over in points (stupid retail) and since I wasn't actively crying, I didn't meet my self-imposed limitations. When I got to work, a work friend asked if everything was ok, because I looked exhausted. Since she is a friend, has her own mental health issues, and we've discussed it before, I told her...and almost started crying. Got myself under control and started to work. The rest of the day is kind of a haze. I actually remember going through my cashier script, and realizing I felt divorced from my body. My body was working and speaking, and I was curled in a little mental corner wanting to go home.

When I asked to go home, I didn't even realize I was as bad as I was. I had been on Returns, and asked to either go onto a lane (where I could let my body take over the work) or if there was any chance I could go home. Previous work friend had been joined by the other manager, who I am also friendly with. She's going to be a nurse, and we've also talked about mental health issues. So she asked if I was sick, and I said "Not physically". And was in the process of saying that I could stay if they needed me ( I was struck by a feeling of guilt and the idea that I should be Strong and Pull Through.) But, she said "Go home, you're sick". So, I went, and thanked her. When I got outside, a coworker asked if I was ok. I just kind of ignored the question and told them to have a great day. When I was about halfway to my car I realized I was crying. Not sure when I started. Sobbed in my car for a few minutes, and then Matt called. Talked to him on my way home, feeling guilty the whole time because a cousin of one of his cousins is in the hospital and now he has to deal with his mess of a wife too, who should be supporting him, instead of giving him more to deal with. Told him I'm sorry he had to deal with me. Don't remember exactly what he said, but it was suitably soothing.

So, went inside, sat on the couch and played online for a bit. Continued crying for a while. Whole time I was trying to figure out if there was something I was crying about, but there wasn't. I was just horribly sad. And when I wasn't crying, I was numb. Put out feelers online and through a text message for someone to talk to. Luckily, I have lovely friends who understand what I'm going through and are there for me. So, thanks guys.

Decided to work out to see if I could get a mood boost from that. Just kind of half assed my work out cuz I didn't have the energy. Then I took a bubble bath, which was lovely. Matt came home and I got out. Had stopped crying, but I was still mopey. Didn't have the ability to think, and I felt like I had just come off the flu (really weak and drained). All I wanted to do was cuddle. So, he ate dinner and we watched tv until I fell asleep on the couch. And now it's the next day and the sun still isn't out. I have my happy light on and I'm thinking I should probably work out so I can get at least a slight mood boost for a few hours.

I don't exactly feel like myself today still, but I don't remember the last time I did honestly. But, I don't really feel depressed either.
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