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Wrong impressions

I think people assume that I am overly sweet. That I am the supermarket frosting on birthday cake, the tenth marshmallow stolen from the bag while making s'mores. That I am all sugary syrupy stickiness that is just fine in small doses, but have to much and your fingers stick to everything you touch and your teeth hurt from all the sweets. I think people believe that my niceness is all there is too me, that I have no depth. No complexity of flavor. And yes, I am extremely sweet. If I were a dessert I would definitely have a high content of chocolate, or just plain sugar. But I have more to offer. I have complexities and personality quirks that give me definition, set me apart from the rest. If I were a dessert, I believe I would be dark chocolate with caramel and sea salt. Sweet, yes. But with a little added punch that you weren't expecting.
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E-Portfolio stress

I've already talked to some of you about my E-Portfolio, and those of you who are on Facebook and Twitter might also be aware of the stress that it's causing me. For those of you who know that I'm stressed about something and aren't sure why...here's why.

One of the requirements for graduation is to compile your best work that reflects the core values of the program, stick it somewhere online (blog, website, or wiki) with a paper explaining your choices, and a resume. Sounds simple enough, and I suppose it should be. The issue that I'm having is that despite getting A's on most of my work, I am currently utterly convinced that it's all crap. That I received those A grades out of pity, and now I'm going to put them into the portfolio and the teachers who are grading them are going to wonder WTF was I thinking, and kick me out of the program. This isn't at all logical, and I know that. But at the same time part of me Knows this to be true. At the best, it's making it extremely hard to choose assignments to use. I'm writing this now in the hopes that purging it will make it easier for me to approach my portfolio from a rational space.

I'm almost done with the portfolio, I should be able to finish it within the next couple of days. Assuming my time line works out, I can finish it, leave it alone for a day or two, and then take another look at it before I turn it in. And then I just have to finish out this semester, and I'll be done! Assuming of course, that I'm approved for graduation.
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Out of the blue

So pretty much out of no where last night (as far as I can tell anyway) I had an Attack of the Depression Feelings. Was feeling fine all day enjoying a nice quiet day to myself. Then, I was mentally going through possible people to hang out with on Friday, and became convinced that no one in the state would want to see me. And, started crying. Still feeling the effects a little bit, although not as much. Don't feel like crying, but also don't feel like eating which is one of my warning signs. Maybe I shouldn't have spent all day watching tv yesterday? It sounded gloriously indulgent at the time, but since that's pretty much all I did last summer when I was having issues with my depression, maybe my brain associates the two now.
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Status update

I had Thoughts last night, but I didn't post because I was working on homework. And now of course, I've forgotten what they were. Nothing important, but I was feeling philosophically poetical. Or is it poetically philosophical? In either case, if I had written last night I would have felt Very Pleased at the time, and then wondered What the Hell today.

I am no longer broke! At least not currently. Student loan came in, so we paid our over due bills and replaced our broken phones. We are now petting our bank account, enjoying seeing numbers higher than $0. At least I am. Tomorrow is payday, so once we get that in we are going to decide how much we can put into our savings account. Tomorrow is also my birthday, hooray for getting money for your birthday.

Still busy with school. Next week is my last week for my month long Storytelling class (It's been a ton of fun!) And once that ends I have 2 more weekends with my 3 weekend class. As much as I love learning, I am seriously looking forward to no longer being in school. In a few days I will register for my last two classes, and then I need to start working on my e-portfolio.

I miss feeling like I have the time to journal, write creatively, and meditate. I meditated this morning, so that was nice.

I also need to work on my resume ASAP, as the local library is hiring for a part time librarian. If I get it, I could walk to work. It would be a 4 mile walk...but I could do it.

Decided to test my running ability last night because the recent 5k I did the other day went better than I expected it to. I can officially run a mile! Took me 12 minutes. The path is crushed limestone, so I'm wondering if I can do better on pavement. Of course when I stopped running, the mosquitoes very helpfully pointed out that I didn't put on bug spray. So I ended up running off and on on the way back, instead of walking as I had planned. I'm also doing a plank challenge, and am up to being able to hold a plank for a full minute.
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Stress, continued

And then I woke up this morning to find ants coming in through the patio door. Eeeeew. Any advice on household items I can use to get rid of them? Salt? Baking soda? Something? I vaccuumed them up, but I would like to keep more from getting in.
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Money stress

You know what would be a useful thing to have on Pinterest? Directions on how to make money appear out of thin air. Actual, valued money.

We're more than broke right now. As in our account is negative. Paychecks last week were supposed to pull us out of being broke, and ended up being just enough to pay rent. But not enough really to do anything else.

Theoretically I'm supposed to be getting extra money via a student loan any fucking day now. I hate relying on a loan to pay my bills and feed myself, but I guess that's partially what it's meant for.

I should start putting together my e-portfolio and job hunting for a Real Job soon. But I feel horribly unprepared and unqualified to do anything beyond cashiering lately. Hi Crippling Self Doubt, how are you?

It's really hard to think of anything to talk about with anybody, when all you can think about is how broke you are.
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Creativity

I create creativity. I mine my heart and melt the raw words that are found there. Temper my words into steel, sword sharp and iron hard. Roll them around and around until they form a delicate vase. I could look around and say “I have no creativity. See my home? There is no room for half finished stories and hours spent editing here”. And indeed, I have been saying this. But today, I say no more. Move over, Pinterest. Wait for me, Doctor Who. I must write. I must create the creativity that I have been missing in my life. And May Day, Beltaine – seems the perfect day to create.
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Drained

Feeling drained right now. I keep fantasizing about what it will be like when I'm not balancing work and school, and I have regular work hours. I might actually have time to take care of myself, my living space, and my hobbies. This is a super short entry, but I can't think of what else to say.
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a poem a day #10, #11, #12

Souls and ideas are pure but easily
twisted, distorted by
words which don't properly convey
meaning, and intent.




Every writer, is crap.
Thus, rough drafts. First drafts.
Balled up notebook paper revolving around garbage cans.
But what is put on paper, into pixels, can be fixed.
Tweaked
refined, into gold.


I wish I could crawl inside of your mind.
Dig through sedimentary layers of movie quotes, song lyrics and
find that kernel of beauty which is
you. I wish you would crawl inside of my mind and sort through
the mess of internet memes, book passages read and unwritten and
find the seed of my Self.
And we would compare our seed and kernel and discover
Compatibility.
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A poem a day #7, #8, #9

#7
My soul has been measured, weighed
and found wanting.
Incomplete, unrefined.
Filtered, stirred, and now doesn't
quite
fit.

#8
New friends
at least, maybe.
They seem to like me
so far.

#9
Bitter, hot, sweet, soothes
and braces, invigorates.
Morning ritual.